i care too much.

It's Monday. I can't help but to be infected by the Monday Blues every workers keep having on Monday. I guess it's normal. oh well. here goes today's post :

I always argue to myself when it comes to family and friends. Either the request they make, the hopes they give to me, and my intention to make everyone happy. of course, family's first. but then when it comes to please everyone's request, I conflict with myself to what they want and happy about, rather to measure myself; what do I want and happy about?

kawan-kawan aku slalu cakap,

"ala nis, jum la. tak remaja la kau ni" 

selalu sangat aku dengar smpai aku rasa aku lali suda dengan ayat tu. I know people don't understand my priorities. They don't understand how I function in life. dari situ la datangnya konflik aku dengan diri sendiri. Cemana mau gembirakan semua pihak. aku kadang2 nda kisah korbankan kemahuan diri sendiri.

aku tidak keluar malam, tidak keluar shopping sakan, tidak ikut kalau kawan2 bawa buat aktiviti air, tidak ikut kalau buat trip jauh2 melainkan atas urusan kampus atau ada penjaga, tidak ada kereta sendiri. and if I go out at night, I have my curfew.

call me conservative, but restraining myself from going out late at night is the only way i keep myself safe from all those monsters out there. you'll never know what might happen to you. I'm just a helpless girl, I'm not strong as steel and if someone knock me down with a wood, I might fall into coma.

I sometimes refuses my friend's request because I have no money like they do, and again, home is where I feel safe from temptations. the urge to buy is so strong, since we girls love to shop.

So, I'm sorry dear friends if I cannot contain your request. Most of the time I was fulfilling my parent's hope and request, because for me family always first and I am trying hard to be a respectful daughter and muslimah. they are the one who give me life, the one who support my life both mentally and financially, and we were tied with blood-relation forever.

please understand me. thank you.