Monday, January 28, 2013

the two organs.

one thing that I learn about myself is that I sometimes get too serious about something so little, and I can get be careless about something that is serious. It's the way I deal with life. Small matters sometimes effects your whole life, and seriousness sometimes doesn't give you solutions. am I right?

so here it goes.

while I was showering just now ( shower indeed makes you thinking a lot of stuff! ), I was thinking about how my love life goes these past years. It's been 6 years already since I left high school, since I left behind the last piece of love feeling I had towards man. ( even it was just a high school love struck ). not that I became a lesbian or what. however, I survived Form 6, and now proceeding degrees in University..

ahh. university... they said a lot off stuff happen here.

" I met him, because we're in the same class "  a friend once told.

sometimes I wonder why I can't meet a guy, or go for a freakin' date already? am I too coward for commitment? I don't know. I've ask my heart once, but there was no answer.

for me, to love again, (other than to love my family and friends) are like asking me to drink Pepsi again. I haven't drinking Pepsi for along time, because of health concern, and drinking it again might make me hate myself more than I know. Its like betraying to your own desire despite all the fact it might cause to you. get it?

Anyway, Its been approximately 2 years I have been crushing on the same guy since the first semester I saw him, until now. but I am too coward to tell because I believe in what God destined for me. or maybe I was using destiny as an excuse not to confess.

At this moment, there are two organs quarrel at the same time. My mind strongly says NO, but my heart says YES...and my mind had quite strong influences, you know.

I know, I should let go of the pass, but it keeps haunting me. the last time I confess my feelings to another person, I've been rejected 3 times in a row, and it is tearing my soul apart. automatically, it shuts down a little bit my confidence level. maybe because I was taking it too seriously, that it affects the whole part of me, inside n out.

few weeks ago, I said to myself,

"this is it. I'm done with all of this."  

but then, I can't just erase it. He has been like a hope for me. like when you go hiking, and the slope are too impossible for you to reach at the top, he became the hope for me to climb.. he is the reason I must reach the top.

it's stuck there in my heart. I cant help it.

My only question now, shall I go with what my heart wants to, or shall I stick with the brain ego?
Ya Allah please help me.

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